Ian farted, and it is going to smell.

Let's see... I guess all I really want to talk about here is Ian. Lately he is the only thing I ever want to talk about, or think about or anything about. Everything in my life has been so messy. He is the only person who makes the world still turn. He's the only one who makes things all okay. All I do is feel like I'm being an idiot. An idiot size extra large. I mean, I want to be with him. I can see that happening. I want it to happen. Only one problem with that though. He lives in Ohio. He says he will move out here no sooner than 8 months and who knows how long is the longest... I want to wait for him, but I am afraid that I will miss out on something great here... and if I don't wait for him, I'm afraid I'll miss out on him. I love him. I really do. I mean, internet and phone love. Ian has really made my life so much better and it is mostly through the phone and internet. Imagine the damage that can be done in person. By damage, I really mean, all the good things and how much more positive he will make my life. Am I crazy to let a boy who is 273 miles away from me have such an effect on me? I've never thought that I'd say this... but maybe a long distance thing is possible? I don't want that though. Too much pressure, really. I mean, I know I could get someone out here... as conceited as that sounds... I don't know. I just picture things being really great between the two of us. I have so many what ifs... I don't know. I guess I'll just let things fall as they please.

I'm really confused.

Love,
Stacia

I couldn't sleep any more because as soon as I woke up, my throat was like, "Hey Stacie, Let me attack you as soon as you wake up." I said, "Sure, no problem. Thanks throat, you ass hat." So now instead of showering (Showers are overrated) I am sitting here browsing through pictures of the boy that I like. I realized that I could probably never have him like he talks about. I'm to reserved and he looks like he makes himself have awkward fun. Maybe he can help me make fun and friends? I don't know. I still think he is just wanting me. Whatever though, just whatever. I'm going to go shower now because I am ready to think too hard.

I'm going to tell Bret the truth tonight or tomorrow. I had the perfect opportunity last night but I thought it inappropriate because I was so tired and my throat hurt to much to have a serious talk.

SCHOOL.

Since September 10th of my sophomore year of high school I haven't stopped thinking about this one boy.
Since my senior year and on and off before that I've had a certain crush on a boy that probably only talks to me because he wants to get it on.

May 2007- I turned 19. Millie won the Young Author's contest and we went to ISU for the Young Author's conference.
June 2007- I broke up with Bret.
July 2007- Started coaching cheerleading. Got turned down by a guy who I thought was different.
August 2007- Got back with Bret.
September 2007- Realized that it probably wasn't the best idea to be with Bret. He didn't change.
October 2007- Halloween. Talked to an old friend who probably loves me, but I'm too afraid to explore the option.
November 2007- Broke up with Bret. Met Mike and realized that he could be a best friend or more.
December 2007- Mike says he would never like me more than just a friend and I'm cool with that because he is cool enough to have as a friend. Found out I didn't fail Biology. Started hanging out with Emily again. I realize I need her more than anything. She really keeps me going.
January 2008- Felt uncomfortable at my job. Didn't qualify for state. Stopped talking to my mom.
February 2008- Turned down Bret. I don't trust that he's changed. Patrick started talking to me again. Joined Bally's.
March 2008- I'm going to Florida.

I love...
1. Bonding with my younger siblings.
2. Making things.
3. My friends.
4. Spanish.
5. Making people smile.

I hate...
1. My dependence.
2. When my dad is upset with me or in general.
3. Being afraid.
4. Being so stuck.
5. Not being able to see my little brother Robbie as much as I'd like to.


Things I've learned from the three serious relationships I've had with three really great boys.

Kevin-- Kevin taught me I need someone who will respect me like he did. He also taught me that I need someone who will make me smile, whatever it takes. He also taught me that a relationship between two best friends doesn't always end happily.

Patrick-- Patrick taught me that I really like being surrounded by music and therefore, that I enjoy having a musician as a boyfriend. This isn't the most important thing though. He taught me how to love someone unconditionally. He also taught me to be a little bit more adventurous and to not be afraid to meet people. He showed me that I like when a boy tells me that I'm beautiful.

Bret-- Bret taught me more than enough. Unfortunately, it was all stuff that I didn't want in a relationship. But I will spare the details. He is still a great guy.

--Stacia.

I'm not going to lie... I think my chest is caving in.

Open iTunes/iPod or Windows Media Player to answer the following. Go to your library. Answer, no matter how embarrassing it is.

How many songs: 2702

All songs are in this format:
Song-Artist-Time-Album-Genre-Play Count

Sort by song title:
First Song: "(A)" --mewithoutYou
Last Song: "'97(acoustic)"--Alkaline Trio

Sort by time:
Shortest Song: 5 seconds "If I Were a Girl"--Blink-182
Longest Song: 1 hour 39 seconds "Live at the Fireside Bowl"--Alkaline Trio... its a whole show.

Sort by album:
First Song: " All That She Wants" --Ace of Base
Last Song: "I Let 'Em Know"-- Young MC

Top Five Most Played Songs: I went thru a phase where all I listened to was Menora/Majora
178   "You Help Them"--Say Anything
172   "A Walk Thru Hell"--Say Anything
161   "Try to Remember, Forget"--Say Anything
152   "By Tonight"--Say Anything
147   "I Am a Transylvanian"--Say Anything



First song that comes up on Shuffle: "Flashpoint: Catheter" -- Cap'n Jazz


Search for....
"sex", how many songs come up? : 5
"death", how many songs come up? : 46 (Two Death Cab for Cutie CDs)
"love", how many songs come up?  : 109
"you", how many songs come up? : 385


List your playlists:
I have a playlist for all of the Say Anything CDs cuz I was burning them for my brother and a very special someone.

I want life like that... like Lloyd Dobler and Diane Court... or Macon and Hallie...

Who's going to play some Jedi mind tricks on me?

-Stacia  

After how amazing I felt when I witnessed the actions of Aaron Weiss, I e-mailed him. Surprisingly, he replied.

I think that is amazing.

And it made my day a little bit better.

-Stacia  

Aaron Weiss. Look his name up in the dictionary and the definition will read: (n.) a truly great and inspiring person.

I don't know what has happened to me over the course of the last few days, but something happened and it's amazing and I credit part of this transformation to Aaron.

It all started on Saturday. I was waiting outside to get into the show with mewithoutYou, Thrice and Brand New. I was going to see Brand New, but I've always liked mewithoutYou also. Anyways, while I was in line, I was on the phone with my mom and then Aaron was walking along the line of people offering them bananas and fruit cups. I knew it was him right away. He has one of those faces that is easily recognizable. I wish I would have accepted that banana. I wanted to shake his hand. Tell him how great he was. Hug him. Something. I had this weird idea that some of his kindness and ability to forgive anyone and anything for anything would rub off on me. I was too nervous though. I should have. A homeless man rode his bike along the line of people and Aaron offered him a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and some fruit. When the man only wanted wine, Aaron never lost his patience. I wish more people were like him.

The show was amazing, too. mewithoutYou was awesome, for lack of a better word. I felt full. I was filled with this overwhelming feeling that I can't put a word to. I explained it to a friend as a feeling that made my chest swell. I felt like I wanted to laugh and cry and dance and smile and hug and just be. I've been reading interviews with him since 5 o'clock and listening to what he has to say is just amazing. Sure, he is a Christian, but what is great is that he said he didn't want to focus on "if you don't believe in God, you're going to Hell", but he tries to be the person who gives to people, who readily admits his faults, and who is able to forgive people, whether they've asked for his forgiveness or not. That is amazing. While I am not planning to attend church any time soon, I feel like I want to be something more like him and that is all he wants.

I don't know, but I feel like my life is going to have a whole new meaning. I like that. I'll embrace it.

-Stacia

P.S. Jakob, don't get upset by this at all. You've opened me up to feeling these feelings, sometimes it takes someone to walk someone up to the cliff, but another to help you take the plunge.

What's your name? ::: Anastacia Marie Elizabeth Derro
Birthplace ::: Hazel Crest, IL
Age ::: 19
Age you act ::: It depends.
Current location ::: My kitchen
Eye color ::: blue-green
Hair color ::: blah.
Right, lefty or ambidextrous? ::: righty
Zodiac sign? ::: gemini or taurus, it depends on your source.
Height? ::: 5'3

[x] Part 2 -- Describe... [x]
Your heritage/nationality ::: Polish, Italian, Irish, English, Dutch, Czech, American Indian, Russian... I'm a mutt, so what.
Your hair ::: long, straight and brown
Your fears ::: you name it, i'm probably afraid or creeped out by it.
Your perfect room ::: anywhere with a bed...
What you practically do in a day ::: work or school, coach, homework, sleep, eat.

[x] Part 3 -- What is/are... [x]
Words you overuse ::: sorry and real (i.e. I'm real sorry, that's real crazy)
Phrases you overuse ::: Are you kidding me?
Your first thought when you wake up ::: how many more times can i press the snooze.
Your greatest accomplishment ::: well... i'd have to say getting invited to Hawaii to cheer... but unfortunately it was CRUSHED.
Something you want to do ::: Cheer again... haha.

[x] Part 4 -- This or that [x]
Pepsi or Coke ::: coke
McDonald's or Burger Kings ::: at BK you got it.
Britney Spears or Christina Aguilera ::: Mandy Moore
Chocolate or vanilla ::: depends
Adidas or Nike ::: adidas
Black or white ::: black
Bills or Coins ((Think $$$)) ::: bills
Burgers or hot dogs ::: hot dog... grilled... with mustard only...
Egypt or France ::: egypt
Rock or rap ::: rock

[x] Part 5 -- Do you...[x]
Smoke ::: never
Cuss ::: occasionally
Sing well ::: depends on who you ask.
Sing in the shower ::: yes
Talk to yourself --a lot-- ::: not really
Believe in yourself ::: not really.
Like taking these longass surveys? ::: yes.
Play an instrument ::: un poco
Want to go to college? ::: i am in college
Want to get married? ::: yes
Want to have children? ::: yes
Think you're a health freak? ::: nah.
Get along with your parents ::: yes
Get along with your siblings? ::: not really
Think you're popular ::: no

[x] Part 6 -- In the past month have you..[x]
Gone out of state ::: nope.
Drank alchohal ::: no
Smoke ::: no
Get high ::: no
Done any drugs ::: no
Eaten an entire box of oreos ::: never.
Been on stage ::: no
Gone skinny dipping ::: no
Been dumped ::: no
Dyed your hair ::: no
Stolen anything ::: nope

[x] Part 7 -- Your friends! =D [x]
Craziest :::
Loudest ::: Courtney Bronson
Most shy ::: Me.
Blondest ::: Courtney Bronson
Smartest ::: Courtney Nyeholt
Kindest ::: Courtney Bronson
Best personality ::: I'm going to go with Tony
Most talented ::: Emily
Best singer ::: Emily
Most ghetto ::: well Courtney Bronson and I can heel toe...
Drama Queen ((or King XP)) ::: Emily... haha.
Pain in the ass ::: All of them.
The one you just want to strangle to death ((Homer Simpson style))::: Tony, haha.
Funniest ::: Tony
Best person for advice ::: Jakob
Dependable ::: heh... none.
Trustworthy ::: Jakob
Druggie ::: Well... JCook does drugs... but I don't think she's a druggie.
Most likely to end up in jail ::: Kevin
Person you've known the longest ::: JCook

[x] Part 8 -- The Last... [x]
Last dream ::: Last night. I don't remember it though.
Last nightmare ::: I have nightmares almost nightly.
Car ride ::: with the girls to breakfast and stuff.
Last time you cried ::: a few days ago, although I am on the verge now.
Last movie seen ::: I just watched Walk the Line. I love that movie.
Last movie rented ::: I can't remember which ones they were, but I can see them sitting in my car... haha.
Last book read ::: Harry Potter and the half blood prince
Last word said ::: Oh.
Last curse word said ::: probably Hell.
Last time you laugh ::: When I was watching Walk the Line.
Last phone call ::: Mrs. Chris (a cheer mom) yapping my ear off.
Last CD played ::: I haven't played a CD in a while.
Last song you listened to ::: Currently playing is: Cap'n Jazz-- We Are Scientists! I love this song and having iTunes on shuffle..
Last annoyance ::: my room
Last IM ::: Kevin saying "so i'll ttyl"
Last weird encounter ::: today... haha.
Last person you hugged ::: Millie or Maddy
Last person you yelled at ::: I sort of was yelling at Millie and Maddy today... for hitting each other.
Last time you wore a skirt ::: a while ago.
Last time you've been evil ::: never
Sarcastic? ::: I am sarcastic so often that I can't keep track.
Last time you fought with your parents ::: we don't really fight
Last time you wished upon a star ::: I don't. wishes are sort of a waste of time.
Played Truth or Dare ::: A long time ago.
Spent quality time alone ::: Well, I'm about to right now... and clean my room

[x] Part 9 -- I swear this is the last one! -- Randomness [x]
Are you talking to someone on AIM ::: Yes.
Do you feel lonely ::: yeah, actually
Ever TP'd someone's house ::: no
How about egging someone's house ::: nope
Do you not like dislike not like me? ::: What?
Ain't Eminem and 50 Cent just fine? ::: not at all actually.
Yo Momma ::: is so fat when she sits around the house, she sits AROUND the house.
Ever been so hungry you felt like you could eat the person next to you? ::: yes... all the time... i have to supress my cannibalistic tendencies.
What do you think of George Bush? ::: Barack Obamaaaaa
Any secret fetishes? ::: Oh yes.
Do you like to wear chains? O_o ::: nope
How many languages do you speak? ::: 2 but I will eventually be speaking 3.

Being with Bret... is slowly starting to kill me. Everyday, I just can't handle being with him. It hurts me so much. He hurts me so much. I don't understand. He is supposed to love me, but everyday, he doesn't act like he knows me. He only acts like he is trying to hurt me. His mom says that he is turning into his father, and I am always told that I am like his mom. Well, his mom and dad can't stand each other. I can't stand him. Everyday is like a chore and it drives me crazy. I'm not ok. I'm so unhappy. In my psychology class, we were told to rate our happiness on a scale 1-7. Mine was 3. I was the lowest. I really don't know what to do to make myself happy. Well, I do, but I am afraid. I am terrified.

I know what I want in a guy, too. I want someone who will give themselves to me. Someone who will trust me. Someone who I can trust. Someone who will have fun with me. Someone who doesn't ONLY want to have sex. I want someone who will sing me to sleep, even if they can't sing. I want someone who has plans for the future. I want someone who isn't mean to me. I want someone who won't call me lame every chance they get. I want someone who believes me when I say my neck hurts, and doesn't think that it is an excuse. I want someone who will be patient with me when i can't get comfortable because of my neck. I want someone who will give me kisses in the middle of a sentence. I want someone who won't think I'm funny when I am mad or upset about something, but instead, I want them to talk to me. I want someone who will open up to me, and allow me to do the same. I want someone who will dance with me, even if they can't dance. I want someone who will smile when they see me. I want too much.

-Stacie

I don't know if anyone reads this anymore... and maybe it's better if no one does... but I think I am losing it lately.
I have a friend. I love him. Not like... as a romantic interest.. but on a deeper level. I care about him and his well-being. Well, lately he was feeling pretty down... suicidal. since i found out, i don't know. I can't sleep that well.. i can't eat unless I force myself to. I am terrified of what he will do to himself. he claims to have had an epiphany and from the way it sounded, everything is going to be ok. I hope so. Tonight while i was in the shower, i had a daymare, for lack  of a better word ((even though that isn't a word. thank you firefox spell check)) Anyways in the shower i was imagining us talking via video on AIM and we were talking and laughing and i look away and hear a loud noise... and look up and blood everywhere. he shot himself. now i know it is just a day mare or whatever... but it really bothers me. I've been doing this since i found out about him being suicidal.

i have razor burn.

Anastacia